Tag Archives: couples counselling

Exploring the Impact of Pet Ownership on Dating Preferences

Exploring the impact of pet ownership on dating preferences. Pets, particularly cats and dogs, have long been cherished companions for many individuals. But did you know that your choice of pet can predict who you end up date and who influence who you’re attracted to? In this blog post, we delve into the intriguing realm of pet ownership and its connection to dating preferences, specifically focusing on the age-old debate between cat lovers and dog people. Another study from 

Pet preference reveals personality traits?

It’s commonly believed that dog people and cat people have fundamental differences in personality traits. Research from Alba and colleagues (2015) found that dog owners tend to be more preferred on social-dominance scales and competitiveness than cat lovers. One theory is that dog lovers prefer dogs because they align with social-dominance preferences as they can be trained and tend to respect hierarchy. Another study from Guastello and colleagues (2017) found that dog lovers were higher on warmth and extraversion whereas cat lovers were higher on general intelligence and self-reliance.

Pet ownership, lifestyle and dating compatibility

Owning a pet comes with specific lifestyle considerations. Dogs require regular exercise, outdoor activities, and structured routines, making them a suitable match for individuals with an active lifestyle. On the other hand, cats are generally more low-maintenance, making them a better fit for individuals with busier schedules or a preference for a more relaxed lifestyle. These lifestyle factors can influence dating preferences, as individuals may seek partners who align with their preferred pet ownership style.

Do cat lovers/dog people care what their partner is?

Research from Gray and colleagues (2015) looked into how cat and dog owners reacted to people that dislike their preference or don’t like either. They found that women were more likely than men to discriminate based on pet preferences. If their date did not like their pet or pets in general it more significantly influenced their choices. Evolutionary theorists suggest this might be because women tend to view pet-preferences as an indication of parenting potential. 

Do cats or dogs help you get a date?

Pets, particularly dogs, can serve as excellent conversation starters and icebreakers in social situations. Taking a dog for a walk in the park or attending dog-related events can provide opportunities for meeting new people and fostering connections. Similarly, shared interests and passions related to pet ownership, such as attending cat shows or volunteering at animal shelters, can create common ground and strengthen bonds between potential partners.

Allergies and practical considerations when dating

Allergies can significantly impact dating preferences when it comes to pet ownership. Some individuals may be allergic to cats or dogs, making it challenging to form relationships with someone who owns a pet that triggers their allergies. Practical considerations such as housing restrictions or lifestyle factors, such as frequent travel, can also influence dating preferences, as individuals may seek partners who align with their pet ownership limitations or preferences.

The variables of pet ownership, particularly the choice between cats and dogs, can play a fascinating role in dating preferences. Personality traits, lifestyle compatibility, emotional bonding, shared interests, and practical considerations all contribute to the complex dynamics at play. Whether you are a proud cat owner or a devoted dog lover, the important thing is finding a partner who understands and appreciates your connection with your furry friend. So, embrace the joy of pet ownership, respect different preferences, and keep an open mind as you navigate the exciting world of dating and companionship.

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References

Alba, Beatrice & Haslam, Nick. (2015). Dog People and Cat People Differ on Dominance-Related Traits. Anthrozoos A Multidisciplinary Journal of The Interactions of People & Animals. 28. 10.2752/089279315X14129350721858. 

Gray, P.B., Volsche, S., Garcia, J.R., & Fisher, H.E. (2015). The Roles of Pet Dogs and Cats in Human Courtship and Dating. Anthrozoös, 28, 673 – 683.

Guastello, Andrea & Guastello, Denise & Guastello, Stephen. (2017). Personality Differences between Dog People and Cat People. Human-animal interaction bulletin. 2017. 10.1079/hai.2017.0003. 

AI Psychotherapy: A Promising Development or a Doomed Future?

AI Psychotherapy: promising development or doomed future? exploring benefits and challenges. Discover the intriguing integration of artificial intelligence (AI) in psychotherapy. Despite being in early stages, AI’s potential to transform mental health treatment is immense. In this blog post, we explore the exciting possibilities of AI in psychotherapy, highlighting its benefits and addressing potential challenges. Join us as we navigate the intricacies of AI psychotherapy and its implications for the future of mental healthcare.

Potential Benefits of AI in Psychotherapy

Accessibility and Affordability in Mental Health

One of the major advantages of AI in psychotherapy is its ability to expand access to mental health care. Virtual therapists powered by AI can be available anytime, anywhere, reducing the barriers associated with geographical limitations, long waiting lists, and high costs. This accessibility can provide support to individuals who might otherwise struggle to access traditional therapy services.

Personalised Mental Health Treatment Plans

AI algorithms have the capacity to process vast amounts of data and identify patterns that may elude human therapists. By integrating information from various sources such as medical records, personal diaries, and wearable devices, AI can generate personalised treatment plans tailored to individual needs. This targeted approach can optimise therapeutic interventions and improve treatment outcomes.

Enhanced Diagnostic Accuracy for Mental Illnesses

Accurate diagnosis forms the foundation of effective therapy. AI algorithms can analyze a wide range of data, including verbal and non-verbal cues, speech patterns, and behavioral indicators, to aid in the diagnostic process. Machine learning algorithms can identify patterns and subtle markers of mental health conditions, assisting clinicians in making more accurate diagnoses and developing appropriate treatment strategies.

Augmenting Therapist/ Psychologist Skills

AI can serve as a valuable tool for therapists, complementing their skills and expertise. Natural language processing algorithms can analyze therapy session transcripts, providing insights into client responses, emotional markers, and potential areas of concern. This feedback can help therapists gain deeper insights and improve their therapeutic approaches, leading to more effective interventions.

 

Potential Issues of AI in Psychotherapy

Ethical Considerations

The ethical implications of AI in psychotherapy cannot be overlooked. Privacy and data security must be prioritized to protect sensitive information shared by clients. Transparent and informed consent processes should be in place to ensure individuals understand how their data is used. Additionally, addressing issues of bias and fairness in AI algorithms is crucial to prevent potential harm or discrimination.

Loss of Human Connection

AI-powered virtual therapists may lack the human empathy and connection that are vital elements of the therapeutic process. While AI can provide valuable insights and support, it cannot fully replace the human-to-human interaction that many clients find essential for their healing journey. Striking the right balance between AI-driven tools and the presence of human therapists is essential for ethical and effective implementation.

Limited Contextual Understanding

AI algorithms primarily rely on data-driven analysis and may struggle to comprehend complex emotions or unique contextual factors that are central to psychotherapy. Understanding cultural nuances, interpersonal dynamics, and non-verbal cues require human intuition and sensitivity that AI may struggle to replicate fully. Human oversight and critical judgment are crucial to interpreting AI-generated insights appropriately.

The potential use of AI in psychotherapy opens up exciting avenues for improving mental health care. From enhanced accessibility and personalized treatment plans to improved diagnostic accuracy and augmented therapist skills, AI can contribute significantly to the field. However, ethical considerations, the preservation of human connection, and the limitations of AI’s contextual understanding should be carefully addressed. By combining the strengths of AI with the expertise of human therapists, we can harness the full potential of this technology to create a future where mental health care is more accessible, effective, and compassionate.

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Relationship Struggles: When Love and Culture Clash

Challenges and tips for interracial couples

Relationship Struggles: when love and culture clash, read on to learn more about the various challenges interracial or inter-cultural couples may face. We also highlight some tips to overcome these challenges and if you need further assistance, we have therapists & counsellors who have experience in couples counselling and marriage counsellors. Interracial relationships are becoming increasingly common in Australia, as the country becomes more diverse and multicultural. While the majority of Australians support interracial relationships, there are still some challenges that couples may face. 27.6% of Australians were born overseas and the majority of us have at least one parent born overseas (ABS, 2021). Whilst all marriages have challenges, for the third of marriages that are interracial, there are some unique challenges.

Cultural Differences in Couples

One of the biggest challenges faced by interracial couples in Australia is cultural differences. Partners from different cultural backgrounds may have different expectations, beliefs, and values, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. A common conflict occurs between members of collectivist (CC) and individualistic cultures (IC). Often people from CC will go to great lengths to help and take care of their family members. People from IC may view this as excessive and a lack of boundaries. Especially if the CC individual is frequently distressed due to their feeling of obligation to their family.

Tip from a Counsellor:

It is important to remember that family and identity are very influential over our personality and values. Try not to view your partner’s differences at face value. Instead assume they have the same importance to them as they have to you.

Stereotypes & Prejudice experienced by Couples

Another challenge is dealing with stereotypes and prejudice. Interracial couples may face discrimination from others who are not accepting of their relationship. They may experience negative comments, stares, or even harassment from strangers, acquaintances, or even family members.

Tip from a Counsellor:

You may not see the discrimination your partner endures. It is important to consider they may have experienced more discrimination earlier in their life. Furthermore, if you have no experienced discrimination in the same way you may not notice it. Remember to listen when they discuss their experience. Your job is to listen to their struggles not win an argument.

Social Challenged experienced by Couples

Interracial couples may also struggle with social isolation. They may feel like they don’t fit in with their partner’s cultural community or their own, leading to feelings of loneliness and exclusion. This can be particularly difficult for couples who are far from their families or support networks.

Tip from a Counsellor:

Often the little things can help to feel connected to our culture. This could be watching the footy, getting a weekly dose of the food our mum used to make or calls with family members. Our relationship satisfaction is separate to our feeling of cultural or familial connection.

Couples and Culture

Finally, interracial couples may struggle with the question of identity. They may feel pressure to choose between their cultural heritage and their relationship, leading to feelings of confusion and loss. This can be particularly difficult for children of interracial couples who may struggle with their own sense of identity and belonging.

Tip from a Counsellor:

You may not have thought about your cultural identity before dating someone outside of your culture. Consider it an opportunity to actively connect and explore your culture. It is also an opportunity to share your culture with your partner.

Successful Relationships

Despite these challenges, many interracial couples in Australia have successful and fulfilling relationships. The rise in internet dating has connected people who never would have in the twentieth century. Communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to learn and compromise are key to overcoming the challenges and building a strong relationship. By embracing their differences and celebrating their unique cultural backgrounds, interracial couples can create a rich and diverse relationship that is stronger than any challenges they may face.

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References

Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2021). Cultural diversity: Census. ABS. https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/people/people-and-communities/cultural-diversity-census/2021.

Calderon, P. S. P., Wong, J. D., & Hodgdon, B. T. (2022). A scoping review of the physical health and psychological well-being of individuals in interracial romantic relationships. Family Relations, 71( 5), 2011– 2029. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12765

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?
Part 3: Sexual Satisfaction

The relationship between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction has been vigorously researched and debated in recent decades. Common arguments are that one influences the other, or that the influence is bidirectional or that there is no relationship between the two factors. If this has been vigorously researched, then why is it debatable? Firstly, relationships are complicated, varied and are influenced by many factors. Therefore, trying to boil down two significant variables in romantic relationships to a simple one or two-way relationship is challenging. Secondly, relationship factors don’t develop independently in a straight line. They are much more likely to develop systematically. Despite these challenges, recent research supports a bidirectional relationship (sexual satisfaction influences relationship satisfaction and visa versa) (Quinn-Nilas, 2020). This article will explain how to understand the relationship between sexual and relationship satisfaction and how to improve it in your own life.

Stress

It would come as no surprise to most people that stress moderates (alters) the relationship between sexual and relationship satisfaction. However, what is surprising is that those who are highly stressed experience a bigger impact on their relationship satisfaction the day after having sex (Zhao et al., 2022). Perhaps this means that highly stressed people appreciate the stress-reducing effects of sex and carry that appreciation to their relationship. Allred et al. (2016) suggests that people who are highly stressed tend to rely upon mental shortcuts. Therefore, they would generalize their feelings about their sexual satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) to their relationship satisfaction. Whereas less stressed people may consider multiple facets of their relationship in their appraisal. Whilst there is only so much, we can do about the level of stress we experience daily, there is something we can do to manage our perception of our relationship.

TIP: Consider your stress level when you are feeling dissatisfied with your relationship. If you are highly stressed, you may be making unhelpful generalisations about your relationship or sex life. Especially considering that during highly stressful situations we tend to have less energy and time for intimacy. In those moments it may be helpful to reflect on the other satisfying and meaningful aspects of your relationship.

Gender and Sexuality

The research shows higher and more stable levels of sexual desire in men compared to women over the lifespan (Wieczorek et al., 2022). This was true for both homosexual and heterosexual men and women. Importantly around the age of 40 most women in the study experienced a steep decline in sexual desire towards their partner and attractive people in general. Whereas for men, their sexual desire peaked in their 20s and remained stable into their old age. Significant differences in sexual desire in romantic partners can lead to sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. However, this is not limited to the data above, differences in desire level can occur in relationships with any combination of genders and sexualities.

TIP: Whether you have a higher or lower sexual desire than your partner, it’s important to not take it personally. Firstly, because it’s likely that it’s not personal. There are many biological, contextual and psychological factors that influence a person’s sexual desire in a given moment. Secondly, how you respond to your partner declining sex is the greatest predictor of how frequently you will have sex in the future. Research from the Gottman Institute found that those who responded with understanding and kindness had more sex in the future than those who were critical or pressuring. So, remember it’s not personal and being kind might get you laid.

Relationship Counselling

Sexual satisfaction is a primary predictor of relationship satisfaction. As we’ve seen, this can look very different for different people. The research suggests that taking a broad perspective of your relationship and treating your partner with understanding will likely improve your sexual and relationship satisfaction. If you still feel like you need further support and assistance, we have a range of psychologists & therapists who have experience in this.

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References

Józefacka, N. M., Szpakiewicz, E., Lech, D., Guzowski, K., & Kania, G. (2023). What Matters in a Relationship-Age, Sexual Satisfaction, Relationship Length, and Interpersonal Closeness as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adults. International journal of environmental research and public health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Quinn-Nilas, C. (2020). Relationship and sexual satisfaction: A developmental perspective on bidirectionality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(2), 624–646. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519876018

Wieczorek, L. L., Chivers, M., Koehn, M. A., DeBruine, L. M., & Jones, B. C. (2022). Age Effects on Women’s and Men’s Dyadic and Solitary Sexual Desire. Archives of sexual behavior, 51(8), 3765–3789. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02375-8

Zhao, C., McNulty, J.K., Turner, J.A. et al. Evidence of a Bidirectional Association Between Daily Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction That Is Moderated by Daily Stress. Arch Sex Behav 51, 3791–3806 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02399-0

 

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

In part two of our series on relationships, what predicts relationship satisfaction? Appreciation. At the Three Seas, we know that appreciation is an essential ingredient in maintaining healthy and happy romantic relationships. In fact, research has shown that appreciation is one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity¹. In this blog post, we will discuss the importance of appreciation in romantic relationships and provide practical tips on how to incorporate appreciation into your daily routine.

Appreciation reduces stress and promotes mental health

Appreciation can also have a positive impact on mental health. Studies have shown that expressing gratitude and appreciation can reduce stress, depression, and anxiety². When we feel appreciated, we experience positive emotions such as joy and contentment, which can help to promote overall well-being.

 

Appreciation improves communication and reduces conflict

Effective communication is essential for a healthy and strong relationship. When we appreciate our partner, we create a safe and supportive environment for communication³. This helps to reduce misunderstandings and conflict, and fosters a deeper understanding and connection between partners.

 

Appreciation fosters a culture of love and respect

Appreciation is a key ingredient in creating a culture of love and respect in a relationship⁴. When we appreciate our partner, we demonstrate our love and respect for them, which helps to create a sense of trust and security. This can lead to a stronger emotional connection, increased intimacy, and a deeper sense of love and commitment.

 

In conclusion, appreciation is an essential aspect of a healthy and strong romantic relationship. By expressing appreciation for our partner’s positive qualities and actions, we can create a positive and supportive environment, promote mental health, improve communication, and foster a culture of love and respect.

 

So how can you incorporate appreciation into your daily routine?

Here are some practical tips:

1. Make a conscious effort to express gratitude and appreciation for your partner every day. This could be a simple thank-you for making dinner or a heartfelt expression of gratitude for their love and support.
2. Look for opportunities to compliment your partner and acknowledge their strengths and qualities. This could be a compliment on their appearance, their intelligence, or their kindness.
3. Write a love letter or a note expressing your appreciation for your partner. This is a great way to express your feelings and show your partner how much you care.
4. Practice active listening and validate your partner’s feelings and emotions. This shows that you value and respect their perspective, which is an important aspect of appreciation.

Summary: Appreciation is Key

appreciation is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy and happy romantic relationship. By expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner, you can create a positive emotional climate, build trust and intimacy, reduce conflict, and improve your mental health and wellbeing. So take the time to appreciate your partner today, and watch your relationship thrive! If you want to dive in deeper on this topic, Jay Shetty has a fantastic book.

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References

1. Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., Arriaga, X. B., Baker, Z. G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Bergeron, S., Birnbaum, G. E., Brock, R. L., Brumbaugh, C. C., Carmichael, C. L., Chen, S., Clarke, J., Cobb, R. J., Coolsen, M. K., Davis, J., De Jong, D. C., Debrot, A., Dehaas, E. C., . . . Wolf, S. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
2. Monin JK, Poulin MJ, Brown SL, Langa KM. Spouses’ daily feelings of appreciation and self-reported well-being. Health Psychol. 2017 Dec;36(12):1135-1139. doi: 10.1037/hea0000527. Epub 2017 Jul 20. PMID: 28726476; PMCID: PMC5800303.
3. Davoodvandi M, Navabi Nejad S, Farzad V. Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples’ Intimacy. Iran J Psychiatry. 2018 Apr;13(2):135-141. PMID: 29997659; PMCID: PMC6037577.

 

 

 

Top Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction – Advice from Psychologists

Top Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction – Advice from Psychologists

The quality of our romantic relationships can impact our mental and physical health as well as our overall feeling of life satisfaction¹. This is subject to a number of objective measures (e.g. conflict management and intimacy) that predict the success of our relationships as well as subjective measures. A common measurement used to assess and predict relationship quality is relationship satisfaction. The subjective appraisal of one’s experience of their relationship and how attracted they are to their relationship². We look at some of the top predictors of relationship satisfaction with advice from psychologists.

This measure is helpful because it accounts for an individual’s personal values within their relationship. For example, longevity, commitment, independence or freedom. Although how we appraise our relationship may differ there are several factors that predict a higher level of satisfaction for the majority of people.

A 2020 study³ found that the most reliable relationship variables were perceived partner commitment (e.g., “My partner would never leave me”), appreciation (e.g., “I am so grateful for my partner”), sexual satisfaction (e.g., “How satisfied are you with the quality of your sex life?”), perceived partner satisfaction (e.g., “Our relationship makes my partner very happy”), and conflict (e.g., “How often do you have fights with your partner?”).

Over the coming weeks, I will explore each of these factors.

Perceived partner commitment

A 2012 study⁴ found that how committed you feel your partner is to your relationship will influence how you respond to relationship threats. They found that those who perceive their partner to have high commitment compared to those who perceive it as low, responded with less distress and maintained a greater feeling of connectedness. Furthermore, our individual tendency towards connection or risk-aversion to threats can also influence our reactions. At face value this study might seem to condemn those with low perceived partner commitment to a lifetime of abject disconnection. However, it’s important to note that this study is about our perception of our partner’s commitment. This may vary drastically from their actual displays of commitment or their intention to remain committed. Our perception is influenced and distorted by various factors from our childhood and adult experiences as well as our circumstances.

Psychological disorders such as OCD, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder can significantly influence our perception of intimate connection, commitment and rejection. A sub-theme of OCD and Generalised Anxiety called Relationship OCD/Anxiety can induce distressing intrusive thoughts that cause a person to endlessly worry and/or try to get reassurance of their partner’s commitment to them. Ironically, this incessant assurance seeking can be such a burden on their partner that it leads to the end of the relationship. Even an empathetic and patient partner can feel hurt by constant doubt of their commitment. Although it is the person’s fault that they behave this way, it can be very helpful to seek help from a psychologist or couples counsellor to reduce the effect it can have on the relationship.

Attachment Styles Explained

Another factor that influences our perception of commitment is attachment styles ⁵. Attachment styles are a concept of measuring a person’s ability to healthily engage in relationships. Some people are more likely to reactively avoid relationships and others to excessively attach themselves to a person. There are several variances within the attachment style model, however Avoidant and Anxiously attached styles are relevant in this context. Those who are avoidant attached may perceive a healthy display of commitment (e.g. introducing them to their parents after dating for many months) as an egregious threat to their independence. In contrast, those who are anxiously attached may perceive a healthy boundary in a relationship (e.g. wanting to spend a weekend alone with their friends) as a severe rejection or abandonment. Although attachment styles are formed in early childhood and remain consistent through our lives, they can be improved with healthy relationships and psychotherapy. Many psychologists and couples counsellors have trained in attachment style therapy and can assist you in your relationship or dating life. The Mark Grove’s podcast on this topic is an excellent free resource for a further deep dive.

Next Steps you can Seek through Therapy

It’s normal for feelings of connection and commitment in a relationship to fluctuate. However, it’s important to remember that our perception of the relationship can be excessively distorted by erroneous factors. If you’ve got reason to believe this might be the case for yourself, then it may be worth seeing a psychologist or couples counsellor.

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References

 

1. Meyler, D., Stimpson, J. P., & Peek, M. K. (2007). Health concordance within couples: A systematic review. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2297-2310. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2007.02.007
2. Bradbury, T. N., Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2000). Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 964–980.
3. Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., Arriaga, X. B., Baker, Z. G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Bergeron, S., Birnbaum, G. E., Brock, R. L., Brumbaugh, C. C., Carmichael, C. L., Chen, S., Clarke, J., Cobb, R. J., Coolsen, M. K., Davis, J., De Jong, D. C., Debrot, A., Dehaas, E. C., . . . Wolf, S. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
4. Reyes, Norma L., “Perceived Partner Commitment and Implicit Self-Esteem Predicts Connectedness Accessibility in Response to Relationship Threat” (2012). Master’s Theses. 849. https://ecommons.luc.edu/luc_theses/849
5. Ainsworth, M. and Bell, S., 1970. Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by the Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation. Child Development, 41(1), p.49.

Valentine’s Day: Finding Connection in your Relationship

Valentine’s Day: Finding connection in your relationship beneath the roses and chocolates.

This year Australians will spend an estimated 485 million dollars celebrating Valentine’s day¹. The average couple will spend $108 dollars, cards bought at supermarket checkouts to a $350,000 Lamborghini. The most common gifts bought are flowers (47%) followed by chocolates (29%) and sex toys (7%).

Australians celebrate Valentine’s day in ways as varied as the varieties of flowers and sex toys on offer. For some, the day is forgotten before the rose has wilted and the chocolate eaten. For others, it is an important day that involves elaborate planning and high expectations. Whichever route a couple takes, there are many psychological factors that can lead to a happy or horrible valentines day – and even breakups. Below are some research examples of those factors that may guide you and your valentine towards a successful day.

Know your Partner

The old adage ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ is unequipped to deal with the variations of identities and partners in 2023. However, the sentiment that opposites attract, may be worth considering. Often people will be attracted to someone who has a complimentary personality to them, especially in terms of raising a family and living a fulfilling life. Comedian Bill Burr says ‘Every relationship has the person that will tie the trash bag and then leave it slumped against the counter… and the person that actually takes it out’. The main takeaway is: taking the time to consider what you know about your partner may prove invaluable. Consider how they tend to communicate their wants and needs, not how you would like them to communicate. Are they clear about what they want?

Love Languages Test

A commonly used relationship tool is the Love Languages test. The test does not have a consistent level of validity compared to other psychometric tests ², however, when taken with a grain of salt it can be helpful. The test will identify your preferred method of receiving love and for giving love. These are gift giving, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service and quality time. Although it has inconsistent statistical support for its validity, many couples do find it helpful in remembering their partner may operate differently from them.

Attachment Style

A psychometric test that is highly supported by research is Attachment Styles. An attachment style is developed in childhood and informs how you respond to intimacy. It is a complicated paradigm but in short people can be avoidant attached (distancing themselves from those who show them love), anxious attached (wanting constant reassurance that they are loved) or secure attached (a healthy balance of engagement and distance in their relationships). A recent study found that Valentine’s day enhanced the perception of those in a relationship for those with secure or anxious attachment styles³. However, those with avoidant attachment style are more likely to experience a decrease in relationship satisfaction or a desire to invest in their relationship on Valentine’s day. So, if your partner feels overwhelmed by overt displays of commitment, you may want to hold off on the roses.

Personality Traits

Similarly, another study found that personality traits can influence how we react to Valentine’s day⁴. Those with a high level of neuroticism tended to pre-empt and experience a more negative experience of Valentine’s Day. Those who are high in extraversion tended to pre-empt and experience a more positive experience of Valentine’s Day. There might not be much you can do to combat this. However, lowering your expectations of the day might help if you or your partner tend to be more neurotic and introverted.

Breaking up on Valentine’s Day

A study found that during the week of Valentine’s day, couples were more likely to break up compared to a typical week⁵. However, this was found to be more frequent in couples who were already likely to break up soon. If you find yourself in this situation and need support, please feel free to reach out to one of our many relationship expert psychologists at The Three Seas.

Overwhelming studies seem to suggest that our individual differences in personality and psychology make a huge difference in how we experience and anticipate Valentine’s day. Although there is no right or wrong way, it is important to try to cater any ideas you have to suit you and your partner. Finally, behind the Lamborghini and the chocolates, Valentine’s day is an opportunity to reflect on the importance of your relationship and express that to your partner.

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1. Valentine’s Day set to bring $485m spending boom as lovers celebrate their freedom https://www.roymorgan.com/findings/valentines-day-set-to-bring-485m-spending-boom-as-lovers-celebrate-their-freedom
2. Surijah, Edwin & Septiarly, Yashinta. (2016). Construct Validation of Five Love Languages. Anima Indonesian Psychological Journal. 31. 65-76. 10.24123/aipj.v31i2.565.
3. Chopik, W. J., Wardecker, B. M., & Edelstein, R. S. (2014). Be Mine: Attachment avoidance predicts perceptions of relationship functioning on Valentine’s Day. Personality and Individual Differences, 63, 47-52. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.01.035
4. Hoerger, M., & Quirk, S. W. (2010). Affective forecasting and the Big Five [Article]. Personality and Individual Differences, 49(8), 972-976. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.08.007
5. Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day [Review]. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509-527. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x

9-527. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x

Couples Counselling & Marriage Counselling, the Difference

The Difference between Couples Counselling & Marriage Counselling

Even the best relationships have challenges and stressors. During the height of 2020 lockdowns there was a 314% increase in couples who were considering separation¹. 60% of Australian adults are partnered. Many of those couples will need external support to get them through various stages of a relationship². Understanding the kind of help that is available can avoid unnecessary confusion. You may have seen advertising for marriage counsellor, couples therapists, relationship psychologists or any combination of those. So, what is the difference between couples counselling and marriage counselling? Overall, there are no categorical differences between them. At least not consistently across different institutions. The terms are used interchangeably for different companies and professions. However, there are some tendencies that align with different methods. Understanding these tendencies should provide you with an initial guide. Though, it’s important to understand what is involved in a particular service before starting.

Marriage Counselling

Marriage counselling tends to be associated with more traditional values. It could be affiliated with a particular religion or cultural group. If you are interested in getting help within a particular spiritual or cultural framework, then I’d suggest that begin there. Within that field of professionals you might find counsellors, psychologists or religious leaders who can assist you. Some organisations offer pre-marital therapy. Pre-marital therapy helps prepare a couple for married life.

Couples Counselling

Couples counselling is a broader term describing many types of relationship help. It’s important to research what a particular company means by couples counselling. When working with people, especially in relationships, there are no certainties. The same is true for couples counselling. Its important to be wary of services that make unrealistic claims too.  Some organisations claim to be the only legitimate service and that all others are ineffective. At The Three Seas Group we have a number of experienced counsellors and psychologists who offer couples counselling / marital counselling. Our team assist all relationship types, including all genders, backgrounds and orientations. Some of our team have specialities that may suit your situation too. For example, certain psychologists have experience assisting couples with severe psychological disorders. Other practitioners are equally experienced assisting with parenting.

There are many factors that might influence your decision. If you’re having trouble navigating the options you can try speaking to your GP. At The Three Seas Group our Client Connect Team is able to explain our services and match you with an appropriate practitioner. You can contact us on 9809 1000 or here. 

 Read more about our services and approach here.

References:

1. https://theseparationguide.com.au/separation-advice-soars-during-lockdown-sydney-morning-herald-feature/
2. https://www.finder.com.au/marriage-and-divorce-statistics

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Is your relationship in decline?

Is your relationship in decline?

Most of us seek out a meaningful connection with another human-being. Many want to feel that special spark with someone and live the ‘happy ever after’. It is normal to experience bliss in the beginning of a new relationship but for many, reality hits and relationship satisfaction starts to plummet. You may be wondering if you need couples counselling? Read on…

Every relationship will experience conflict but the great news is that this process can be an opportunity for personal development. This may sound counterintuitive but conflict can also help strengthen the relationship! Research indicates that marital conflict falls into two categories, a) issues that can be resolved or b) issues that will be part of your life for ever. Most marital conflict is perpetual.

Couples therapy may give partners the opportunity to improve how they communicate; however, both need to be committed and motivated in order to bring about change. Couples therapy also provides education and tools for couples to further navigate healthy relationships, including how to handle conflict, secure their bond and have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away.

I had my first ‘couples therapy’ workshop last week as part of my professional development and was surprised when I heard the definition of what constitutes a relationship: ‘A relationship is satisfied when the following needs are met; empathy, intimacy and safety’. All three must be present otherwise you are not in a relationship.

Couples therapists may use road maps to explain the complex nature of relationships to clients. Research suggests that there are 6 stages couples go through in long-term relationships. However, not all couples will have the same experience or sequence.

Stages of a Relationship

In the beginning of a new relationship there is an initial meeting and attraction. It is a romantic love that ‘seems to be’.

The second stage is when things suddenly become ‘real’. This is an important stage because adjusting to reality is where the ‘real’ relationship begins.

In the third stage there is the power struggle where the both partners dig their heels and stand their ground – doubts creep in!

The fourth stage is the re-evaluation stage. This is where the question of whether to go or stay arises. The couple may disengage. You may start noticing some differences or flaws.

The fifth stage is the reconciliation stage. The couple may begin to change their mindset and accept that conflicts will exist in relationships and that there will be differences. They also may realise that these conflicts and differences may be viewed as an opportunity for personal development. The couple commits to each other.

The final stage is that of acceptance – very few couples arrive at this stage! Each person has come to understand that they must take responsibility for their lives. Couples recognise that both partners are working to be present and meet each other’s physical and emotional needs in appropriate and meaningful ways.

Other approaches couple therapists use include thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship and research -based interventions. Once the therapeutic framework is established the couple decide on the frequency and duration of appointments.

If your relationship is in decline or feels unhealthy, please feel free to contact us at The Three Seas Group. We have experienced Relationship Therapists who aim to help couples build stronger relationships and healthy ways to cope with issues. We have a variety of therapist, part of the Three Seas Team, who specialise in couples counselling. 

References

6 crucial stages to gauge if your relationship will last, according to experts. (2021, December 10) https://www.insider.com/stages-of-a-relationship

The Secret to love is just kindness. (2014, June 12) www.theraputic.com

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How Retirement Can Affect Mental Health

How Retirement Can Affect Mental Health & Why Seeing a Therapist could ease this life transition.

Many people spend their entire careers counting the years to retirement. We are eager to get a break from the endless hassle of demanding bosses, conniving co-workers, and chronic financial worries. But retirement can affect mental health in unexpected ways. Somehow, when you finally hit the finish line, everything seems to change. It’s common to struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. The good news is that these problems often go away on their own as you settle into this new phase of life. Here are some of the most common challenges newly retired Aussies face.

Loss of Identity

Most people respond to queries about that they do with a response about their jobs or careers. We are raised to see our identities as inexplicably linked to work, so it’s no wonder that many new retirees experience a loss of identity when they first quit working. You might feel like you don’t have much to contribute now that you’re retired or worry that you’re irrelevant—either to your chosen field or your family. One of the easiest ways to combat this sense is to embrace a new hobby or learn a new skill.

Self-Esteem Issues

Particularly if you felt forced out of your previous job, you may experience self-esteem issues. This can affect your relationships with loved ones, your ability to care for yourself, and even your ability to find new ways to spend your time. Sometimes these issues wane with time, but if they get steadily worse, counselling can help.

Anxiety

Anxiety is filled with uncertainty. Now that you’re not spending most of your day at work, you have more time to think about the things that concern you, and you may also have some new worries. Finances, health, your children and grandchildren, how you and your spouse will get along now that you’re spending more time together, and similar topics can all figure prominently in retirement-related anxiety.

Unexplained Health Symptoms

Your physical and mental health are not easily separated. Each affects the other. Retirees sometimes find that the additional time they have around the house is additional time to worry about medical symptoms they previously never noticed. Moreover, some find that their body responds to the shock of retirement with unpleasant symptoms such as headaches and muscle pain. It’s important to get a regular check-up with your doctor but know that everyone experiences periodic aches and pains. Some other changes are common as you age, and nothing to worry about. Don’t allow yourself to fixate on minor health symptoms, or you may soon find that those symptoms overtake your life.

Depression

Depression is common among seniors. Boredom, lack of purpose, fear about the future, anxiety about retirement, changing health, and even age-related cognitive changes can lead to depression. Worse still, depression can look a lot like dementia in older adults since depression inhibits your ability to think clearly. Left untreated, depression may even lead to cognitive decline. Many seniors remain resistant to treating mental health symptoms, but doing so is vital to your long-term health. If you experience persistent feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, or sadness, seek professional counselling. Seeing a psychologist or counsellor can assist with putting things into perspective and help you work through this sometimes-challenging life stage.

Our Client Connect Team is highly trained to match you with the right psychologist who specialises in this particular stage in life.

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