Tag Archives: marriage counselling

Relationship Struggles: When Love and Culture Clash

Challenges and tips for interracial couples

Relationship Struggles: when love and culture clash, read on to learn more about the various challenges interracial or inter-cultural couples may face. We also highlight some tips to overcome these challenges and if you need further assistance, we have therapists & counsellors who have experience in couples counselling and marriage counsellors. Interracial relationships are becoming increasingly common in Australia, as the country becomes more diverse and multicultural. While the majority of Australians support interracial relationships, there are still some challenges that couples may face. 27.6% of Australians were born overseas and the majority of us have at least one parent born overseas (ABS, 2021). Whilst all marriages have challenges, for the third of marriages that are interracial, there are some unique challenges.

Cultural Differences in Couples

One of the biggest challenges faced by interracial couples in Australia is cultural differences. Partners from different cultural backgrounds may have different expectations, beliefs, and values, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. A common conflict occurs between members of collectivist (CC) and individualistic cultures (IC). Often people from CC will go to great lengths to help and take care of their family members. People from IC may view this as excessive and a lack of boundaries. Especially if the CC individual is frequently distressed due to their feeling of obligation to their family.

Tip from a Counsellor:

It is important to remember that family and identity are very influential over our personality and values. Try not to view your partner’s differences at face value. Instead assume they have the same importance to them as they have to you.

Stereotypes & Prejudice experienced by Couples

Another challenge is dealing with stereotypes and prejudice. Interracial couples may face discrimination from others who are not accepting of their relationship. They may experience negative comments, stares, or even harassment from strangers, acquaintances, or even family members.

Tip from a Counsellor:

You may not see the discrimination your partner endures. It is important to consider they may have experienced more discrimination earlier in their life. Furthermore, if you have no experienced discrimination in the same way you may not notice it. Remember to listen when they discuss their experience. Your job is to listen to their struggles not win an argument.

Social Challenged experienced by Couples

Interracial couples may also struggle with social isolation. They may feel like they don’t fit in with their partner’s cultural community or their own, leading to feelings of loneliness and exclusion. This can be particularly difficult for couples who are far from their families or support networks.

Tip from a Counsellor:

Often the little things can help to feel connected to our culture. This could be watching the footy, getting a weekly dose of the food our mum used to make or calls with family members. Our relationship satisfaction is separate to our feeling of cultural or familial connection.

Couples and Culture

Finally, interracial couples may struggle with the question of identity. They may feel pressure to choose between their cultural heritage and their relationship, leading to feelings of confusion and loss. This can be particularly difficult for children of interracial couples who may struggle with their own sense of identity and belonging.

Tip from a Counsellor:

You may not have thought about your cultural identity before dating someone outside of your culture. Consider it an opportunity to actively connect and explore your culture. It is also an opportunity to share your culture with your partner.

Successful Relationships

Despite these challenges, many interracial couples in Australia have successful and fulfilling relationships. The rise in internet dating has connected people who never would have in the twentieth century. Communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to learn and compromise are key to overcoming the challenges and building a strong relationship. By embracing their differences and celebrating their unique cultural backgrounds, interracial couples can create a rich and diverse relationship that is stronger than any challenges they may face.

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References

Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2021). Cultural diversity: Census. ABS. https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/people/people-and-communities/cultural-diversity-census/2021.

Calderon, P. S. P., Wong, J. D., & Hodgdon, B. T. (2022). A scoping review of the physical health and psychological well-being of individuals in interracial romantic relationships. Family Relations, 71( 5), 2011– 2029. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12765

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?
Part 3: Sexual Satisfaction

The relationship between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction has been vigorously researched and debated in recent decades. Common arguments are that one influences the other, or that the influence is bidirectional or that there is no relationship between the two factors. If this has been vigorously researched, then why is it debatable? Firstly, relationships are complicated, varied and are influenced by many factors. Therefore, trying to boil down two significant variables in romantic relationships to a simple one or two-way relationship is challenging. Secondly, relationship factors don’t develop independently in a straight line. They are much more likely to develop systematically. Despite these challenges, recent research supports a bidirectional relationship (sexual satisfaction influences relationship satisfaction and visa versa) (Quinn-Nilas, 2020). This article will explain how to understand the relationship between sexual and relationship satisfaction and how to improve it in your own life.

Stress

It would come as no surprise to most people that stress moderates (alters) the relationship between sexual and relationship satisfaction. However, what is surprising is that those who are highly stressed experience a bigger impact on their relationship satisfaction the day after having sex (Zhao et al., 2022). Perhaps this means that highly stressed people appreciate the stress-reducing effects of sex and carry that appreciation to their relationship. Allred et al. (2016) suggests that people who are highly stressed tend to rely upon mental shortcuts. Therefore, they would generalize their feelings about their sexual satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) to their relationship satisfaction. Whereas less stressed people may consider multiple facets of their relationship in their appraisal. Whilst there is only so much, we can do about the level of stress we experience daily, there is something we can do to manage our perception of our relationship.

TIP: Consider your stress level when you are feeling dissatisfied with your relationship. If you are highly stressed, you may be making unhelpful generalisations about your relationship or sex life. Especially considering that during highly stressful situations we tend to have less energy and time for intimacy. In those moments it may be helpful to reflect on the other satisfying and meaningful aspects of your relationship.

Gender and Sexuality

The research shows higher and more stable levels of sexual desire in men compared to women over the lifespan (Wieczorek et al., 2022). This was true for both homosexual and heterosexual men and women. Importantly around the age of 40 most women in the study experienced a steep decline in sexual desire towards their partner and attractive people in general. Whereas for men, their sexual desire peaked in their 20s and remained stable into their old age. Significant differences in sexual desire in romantic partners can lead to sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. However, this is not limited to the data above, differences in desire level can occur in relationships with any combination of genders and sexualities.

TIP: Whether you have a higher or lower sexual desire than your partner, it’s important to not take it personally. Firstly, because it’s likely that it’s not personal. There are many biological, contextual and psychological factors that influence a person’s sexual desire in a given moment. Secondly, how you respond to your partner declining sex is the greatest predictor of how frequently you will have sex in the future. Research from the Gottman Institute found that those who responded with understanding and kindness had more sex in the future than those who were critical or pressuring. So, remember it’s not personal and being kind might get you laid.

Relationship Counselling

Sexual satisfaction is a primary predictor of relationship satisfaction. As we’ve seen, this can look very different for different people. The research suggests that taking a broad perspective of your relationship and treating your partner with understanding will likely improve your sexual and relationship satisfaction. If you still feel like you need further support and assistance, we have a range of psychologists & therapists who have experience in this.

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References

Józefacka, N. M., Szpakiewicz, E., Lech, D., Guzowski, K., & Kania, G. (2023). What Matters in a Relationship-Age, Sexual Satisfaction, Relationship Length, and Interpersonal Closeness as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Young Adults. International journal of environmental research and public health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Quinn-Nilas, C. (2020). Relationship and sexual satisfaction: A developmental perspective on bidirectionality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(2), 624–646. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519876018

Wieczorek, L. L., Chivers, M., Koehn, M. A., DeBruine, L. M., & Jones, B. C. (2022). Age Effects on Women’s and Men’s Dyadic and Solitary Sexual Desire. Archives of sexual behavior, 51(8), 3765–3789. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02375-8

Zhao, C., McNulty, J.K., Turner, J.A. et al. Evidence of a Bidirectional Association Between Daily Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction That Is Moderated by Daily Stress. Arch Sex Behav 51, 3791–3806 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02399-0

 

What Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

In part two of our series on relationships, what predicts relationship satisfaction? Appreciation. At the Three Seas, we know that appreciation is an essential ingredient in maintaining healthy and happy romantic relationships. In fact, research has shown that appreciation is one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity¹. In this blog post, we will discuss the importance of appreciation in romantic relationships and provide practical tips on how to incorporate appreciation into your daily routine.

Appreciation reduces stress and promotes mental health

Appreciation can also have a positive impact on mental health. Studies have shown that expressing gratitude and appreciation can reduce stress, depression, and anxiety². When we feel appreciated, we experience positive emotions such as joy and contentment, which can help to promote overall well-being.

 

Appreciation improves communication and reduces conflict

Effective communication is essential for a healthy and strong relationship. When we appreciate our partner, we create a safe and supportive environment for communication³. This helps to reduce misunderstandings and conflict, and fosters a deeper understanding and connection between partners.

 

Appreciation fosters a culture of love and respect

Appreciation is a key ingredient in creating a culture of love and respect in a relationship⁴. When we appreciate our partner, we demonstrate our love and respect for them, which helps to create a sense of trust and security. This can lead to a stronger emotional connection, increased intimacy, and a deeper sense of love and commitment.

 

In conclusion, appreciation is an essential aspect of a healthy and strong romantic relationship. By expressing appreciation for our partner’s positive qualities and actions, we can create a positive and supportive environment, promote mental health, improve communication, and foster a culture of love and respect.

 

So how can you incorporate appreciation into your daily routine?

Here are some practical tips:

1. Make a conscious effort to express gratitude and appreciation for your partner every day. This could be a simple thank-you for making dinner or a heartfelt expression of gratitude for their love and support.
2. Look for opportunities to compliment your partner and acknowledge their strengths and qualities. This could be a compliment on their appearance, their intelligence, or their kindness.
3. Write a love letter or a note expressing your appreciation for your partner. This is a great way to express your feelings and show your partner how much you care.
4. Practice active listening and validate your partner’s feelings and emotions. This shows that you value and respect their perspective, which is an important aspect of appreciation.

Summary: Appreciation is Key

appreciation is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy and happy romantic relationship. By expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner, you can create a positive emotional climate, build trust and intimacy, reduce conflict, and improve your mental health and wellbeing. So take the time to appreciate your partner today, and watch your relationship thrive! If you want to dive in deeper on this topic, Jay Shetty has a fantastic book.

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References

1. Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., Arriaga, X. B., Baker, Z. G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Bergeron, S., Birnbaum, G. E., Brock, R. L., Brumbaugh, C. C., Carmichael, C. L., Chen, S., Clarke, J., Cobb, R. J., Coolsen, M. K., Davis, J., De Jong, D. C., Debrot, A., Dehaas, E. C., . . . Wolf, S. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
2. Monin JK, Poulin MJ, Brown SL, Langa KM. Spouses’ daily feelings of appreciation and self-reported well-being. Health Psychol. 2017 Dec;36(12):1135-1139. doi: 10.1037/hea0000527. Epub 2017 Jul 20. PMID: 28726476; PMCID: PMC5800303.
3. Davoodvandi M, Navabi Nejad S, Farzad V. Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples’ Intimacy. Iran J Psychiatry. 2018 Apr;13(2):135-141. PMID: 29997659; PMCID: PMC6037577.

 

 

 

Top Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction – Advice from Psychologists

Top Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction – Advice from Psychologists

The quality of our romantic relationships can impact our mental and physical health as well as our overall feeling of life satisfaction¹. This is subject to a number of objective measures (e.g. conflict management and intimacy) that predict the success of our relationships as well as subjective measures. A common measurement used to assess and predict relationship quality is relationship satisfaction. The subjective appraisal of one’s experience of their relationship and how attracted they are to their relationship². We look at some of the top predictors of relationship satisfaction with advice from psychologists.

This measure is helpful because it accounts for an individual’s personal values within their relationship. For example, longevity, commitment, independence or freedom. Although how we appraise our relationship may differ there are several factors that predict a higher level of satisfaction for the majority of people.

A 2020 study³ found that the most reliable relationship variables were perceived partner commitment (e.g., “My partner would never leave me”), appreciation (e.g., “I am so grateful for my partner”), sexual satisfaction (e.g., “How satisfied are you with the quality of your sex life?”), perceived partner satisfaction (e.g., “Our relationship makes my partner very happy”), and conflict (e.g., “How often do you have fights with your partner?”).

Over the coming weeks, I will explore each of these factors.

Perceived partner commitment

A 2012 study⁴ found that how committed you feel your partner is to your relationship will influence how you respond to relationship threats. They found that those who perceive their partner to have high commitment compared to those who perceive it as low, responded with less distress and maintained a greater feeling of connectedness. Furthermore, our individual tendency towards connection or risk-aversion to threats can also influence our reactions. At face value this study might seem to condemn those with low perceived partner commitment to a lifetime of abject disconnection. However, it’s important to note that this study is about our perception of our partner’s commitment. This may vary drastically from their actual displays of commitment or their intention to remain committed. Our perception is influenced and distorted by various factors from our childhood and adult experiences as well as our circumstances.

Psychological disorders such as OCD, anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder can significantly influence our perception of intimate connection, commitment and rejection. A sub-theme of OCD and Generalised Anxiety called Relationship OCD/Anxiety can induce distressing intrusive thoughts that cause a person to endlessly worry and/or try to get reassurance of their partner’s commitment to them. Ironically, this incessant assurance seeking can be such a burden on their partner that it leads to the end of the relationship. Even an empathetic and patient partner can feel hurt by constant doubt of their commitment. Although it is the person’s fault that they behave this way, it can be very helpful to seek help from a psychologist or couples counsellor to reduce the effect it can have on the relationship.

Attachment Styles Explained

Another factor that influences our perception of commitment is attachment styles ⁵. Attachment styles are a concept of measuring a person’s ability to healthily engage in relationships. Some people are more likely to reactively avoid relationships and others to excessively attach themselves to a person. There are several variances within the attachment style model, however Avoidant and Anxiously attached styles are relevant in this context. Those who are avoidant attached may perceive a healthy display of commitment (e.g. introducing them to their parents after dating for many months) as an egregious threat to their independence. In contrast, those who are anxiously attached may perceive a healthy boundary in a relationship (e.g. wanting to spend a weekend alone with their friends) as a severe rejection or abandonment. Although attachment styles are formed in early childhood and remain consistent through our lives, they can be improved with healthy relationships and psychotherapy. Many psychologists and couples counsellors have trained in attachment style therapy and can assist you in your relationship or dating life. The Mark Grove’s podcast on this topic is an excellent free resource for a further deep dive.

Next Steps you can Seek through Therapy

It’s normal for feelings of connection and commitment in a relationship to fluctuate. However, it’s important to remember that our perception of the relationship can be excessively distorted by erroneous factors. If you’ve got reason to believe this might be the case for yourself, then it may be worth seeing a psychologist or couples counsellor.

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References

 

1. Meyler, D., Stimpson, J. P., & Peek, M. K. (2007). Health concordance within couples: A systematic review. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2297-2310. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2007.02.007
2. Bradbury, T. N., Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2000). Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 964–980.
3. Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., Allison, C. J., Arriaga, X. B., Baker, Z. G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Bergeron, S., Birnbaum, G. E., Brock, R. L., Brumbaugh, C. C., Carmichael, C. L., Chen, S., Clarke, J., Cobb, R. J., Coolsen, M. K., Davis, J., De Jong, D. C., Debrot, A., Dehaas, E. C., . . . Wolf, S. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(32), 19061-19071. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1917036117
4. Reyes, Norma L., “Perceived Partner Commitment and Implicit Self-Esteem Predicts Connectedness Accessibility in Response to Relationship Threat” (2012). Master’s Theses. 849. https://ecommons.luc.edu/luc_theses/849
5. Ainsworth, M. and Bell, S., 1970. Attachment, Exploration, and Separation: Illustrated by the Behavior of One-Year-Olds in a Strange Situation. Child Development, 41(1), p.49.

How Retirement Can Affect Mental Health

How Retirement Can Affect Mental Health & Why Seeing a Therapist could ease this life transition.

Many people spend their entire careers counting the years to retirement. We are eager to get a break from the endless hassle of demanding bosses, conniving co-workers, and chronic financial worries. But retirement can affect mental health in unexpected ways. Somehow, when you finally hit the finish line, everything seems to change. It’s common to struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. The good news is that these problems often go away on their own as you settle into this new phase of life. Here are some of the most common challenges newly retired Aussies face.

Loss of Identity

Most people respond to queries about that they do with a response about their jobs or careers. We are raised to see our identities as inexplicably linked to work, so it’s no wonder that many new retirees experience a loss of identity when they first quit working. You might feel like you don’t have much to contribute now that you’re retired or worry that you’re irrelevant—either to your chosen field or your family. One of the easiest ways to combat this sense is to embrace a new hobby or learn a new skill.

Self-Esteem Issues

Particularly if you felt forced out of your previous job, you may experience self-esteem issues. This can affect your relationships with loved ones, your ability to care for yourself, and even your ability to find new ways to spend your time. Sometimes these issues wane with time, but if they get steadily worse, counselling can help.

Anxiety

Anxiety is filled with uncertainty. Now that you’re not spending most of your day at work, you have more time to think about the things that concern you, and you may also have some new worries. Finances, health, your children and grandchildren, how you and your spouse will get along now that you’re spending more time together, and similar topics can all figure prominently in retirement-related anxiety.

Unexplained Health Symptoms

Your physical and mental health are not easily separated. Each affects the other. Retirees sometimes find that the additional time they have around the house is additional time to worry about medical symptoms they previously never noticed. Moreover, some find that their body responds to the shock of retirement with unpleasant symptoms such as headaches and muscle pain. It’s important to get a regular check-up with your doctor but know that everyone experiences periodic aches and pains. Some other changes are common as you age, and nothing to worry about. Don’t allow yourself to fixate on minor health symptoms, or you may soon find that those symptoms overtake your life.

Depression

Depression is common among seniors. Boredom, lack of purpose, fear about the future, anxiety about retirement, changing health, and even age-related cognitive changes can lead to depression. Worse still, depression can look a lot like dementia in older adults since depression inhibits your ability to think clearly. Left untreated, depression may even lead to cognitive decline. Many seniors remain resistant to treating mental health symptoms, but doing so is vital to your long-term health. If you experience persistent feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, or sadness, seek professional counselling. Seeing a psychologist or counsellor can assist with putting things into perspective and help you work through this sometimes-challenging life stage.

Our Client Connect Team is highly trained to match you with the right psychologist who specialises in this particular stage in life.

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What Makes a Happy Marriage?

Australia has one of the highest divorce rates in the developed world, yet time and again, couples choose to tie the knot. You can’t help but be inspired by this signal of love in the face of relatively poor odds. But many couples do not make it. This isn’t because of their specific personalities, or even because of relationship issues such as infidelity.

Couples Counselling: What Makes Happy Marriage and How We Deal With Marriage Issues

Couples with difficult personalities or who encounter apparently insurmountable obstacles find ways to make their marriages work each and every day.

No matter how tough things have gotten, couples counselling really can pull you back from the brink.

The Unique Needs of Each Couple

Couples often ask us what makes for a happy marriage, but the truth is that there is no single recipe. A marriage is an agreement between two people, and should be structured around that couple’s values and goals. Some couples are zealously committed to equality. For them, an equal division of household labour is vital. Others find this arrangement stifling and frustrating. Most couples view monogamy as a hallmark of a healthy marriage, but even this value is not the same for everyone. Couples can embrace consensual non-monogamy and still have happy, thriving marriages.

Ultimately, marriage is a continual negotiation between you and your partner. You don’t have to be the same; you just have to complement one another’s needs, while constantly working to better understand and meet those needs.

What’s Necessary for a Happy Marriage?

Because each marriage is different, the unique ingredients that make it good will vary from couple to couple. We do find that some general themes persist across relationships, even among radically diverse people. Those include:

• The importance of continual communication, openness, and honesty.
• Putting one another first by not taking other people’s sides in fights or diminishing one another’s feelings.
• Doing whatever it takes to understand your partner.
• Having at least a few activities you can enjoy and share together.
• Having similar goals for the relationship.
• Being willing and able to discuss your sexuality and address sexual compatibility issues.
• Similar levels of commitment; a marriage is unlikely to work if one partner feels trapped.
• Similar views on parenting, though education and couple counselling can often help address parenting disputes.
• Willingness to openly talk about finances, and to listen to your spouse’s financial goals, even if they substantially differ from your own.

Warning Signs of a Troubled Marriage

So what is a troubled marriage? Ultimately a troubled marriage is one that makes you feel bad more frequently than it makes you feel good. Research shows that, to feel happy, couples need about five positive interactions for every negative interaction. When this ratio gets thrown out of balance, dissatisfaction is often just around the corner. Some signs that a marriage is in trouble include:

• You don’t feel comfortable discussing sensitive issues with your spouse.
• Your spouse consistently refuses to talk to you about sensitive issues, or diminishes your feelings.
• You blame one another for the problems in your marriage, without taking any responsibility for your own behaviour.
• You are physically abusive toward one another.
• You call one another names or put one another down in an attempt to “win” fights.
• Your spouse abuses your children.
• You or your spouse lie to one another.
• You or your spouse has been unfaithful.
• You feel afraid of your spouse.
• One of you is less committed to the marriage than the other.

How We Deal With Marriage Issues

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to solving marriage issues, just as there’s no single right way to have a marriage. Our approach begins with talking to each member of the couple to determine what the problems are in the marriage, from each person’s perspective. We believe that our role is to address both side’s feelings, not to find some ultimate truth. We will also:

• Offer insight into problematic behaviours.
• Provide information on effective communication strategies, then help you each practice those strategies.
• Offer parenting advice and support.
• Protect the spouse who is begin abused by aggressively addressing any abuse that occurs.
• Help you decide whether you want to save your marriage.
• Help each of you find more effective ways to communicate your own needs while addressing the needs of your partner.

Your marriage is your most important relationship, and it touches every facet of your life. When a marriage is in trouble, it is very difficult to be happy. Let us help you chart a course back to happiness through relationship counselling. It is possible, if you are willing to put in the work!

At The Three Seas, we also provide a range of counseling services including emdr training services, psychodynamic therapy services, and more! Browse our services today or contact us for more information.

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Low Libido? Five Strategies for Getting it Back

Low Libido? Five Strategies for Getting it Back

Low Libido? We’ve put together some strategies that you can try which might improve your libido & sex life. Sex is the spice of life. It gives you something to look forward to, solidifies your intimate connection with your partner, and helps you feel good about your body. But according to Australia’s largest sex and sexuality survey ever, many people struggle with a low libido. They want to want sex, but they can’t bring themselves to get into the mood. When libidos wane, relationships can erupt into conflict. The partner left without sex may feel angry and resentful, only further contributing to low libido. And the partner with decreased libido may experience a steady plummet in his or her self-esteem, only exacerbating the problem.

It does not have to be this way. Some low libido issues are medical problems, but most can be fixed with lifestyle remedies. Three Seas counsels’ people on a range of libido issues and can help you determine the nature of your issue & develop a strategy to assist you. In the meantime, try one of these below:

5 Strategies for Improving your Libido

Change Your Surroundings

Life can get dull after a lifetime of marriage, kids, working, and managing a house. If you feel bored with your spouse, the issue is not the person you loved and worshipped at one time. It might be your surroundings. Time to do something thrilling. Take a vacation together. Spend a night in a hotel. Do anything to get you out of your comfort zone and free of your habits. Can’t afford a lavish getaway? Just a night playing a sport together or roller-skating can help you break free from boredom.

Take a Break

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Remember when you pined for your partner in between dates? Bring back the magic by spending some time apart. Ask your partner to stop asking you for sex for a week. Then spend the night in a hotel room all by yourself. You might be surprised by how libidinous you feel after this small departure.

Talk About Your Desires

Some people spend a lifetime together without ever sharing what they want sexually. Get over the same; therapy can help. Talk openly with your partner about what you want. The conversation alone can be arousing once you get going, and you may be surprised by how many options are available—even after years, or even decades, spent together.

Change the Way You Have Sex

On television and movies, sex follows a predictable pattern: kissing, brief foreplay, then intercourse that quickly results in ecstasy. The reality is that foreplay begins well before you get into the bedroom, and most women cannot orgasm from intercourse. Consider removing intercourse from the table, and trying other approaches: oral sex, mutual masturbation, even working up to anal sex. Not only will the change be exciting; it also forces both you and your partner to get more creative. And sexual creativity is the antidote to boredom. You may even find that both you and your partner feel like adventurous kids, free of pressure and timelines, when you find alternatives to intercourse.

Do Something Nice for Your Partner

If you’re the libidinous partner struggling with a partner who has a low libido, stop asking about sex. Give them a break. Instead, find a way to reduce their stress load. A messy house, screaming children, and bills that need to be paid are not conducive to sexual desire. Instead, clean the house, make dinner, get a baby-sitter, and create a relaxing environment for a day or two. Then gently initiate sex—but be willing to take no for an answer. Otherwise, your partner will think you only do nice things when you want something in return. And that’s never a recipe for a satisfying sex life.

If you’d like support during this process, then we recommend reaching out to a professional who has ample experience in dealing with low libido & relationships.

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5 Relationship Skills to Master for a Better Marriage

Every year, thousands of Australians divorce. Most of them believed they’d be together forever, and many fought valiantly to save their marriages. At Three Seas, we do couple counselling every day, advising them how to stay together, minimise conflict, increase communication, and improve intimacy. We’ve found that some skills matter more than others when it comes to keeping your marriage together. Sure, you can talk about communication and love, but these are amorphous concepts. To really create a marriage that stands the test of time, here are 5 relationship skills to master for a better marriage.

Quit Trying to Be Right

Study after study has demonstrated that defensive behaviour destroys marriages. If you respond to every complaint with a complaint of your own, dismiss your partner’s concerns, or silently delight in the biting insult you just hurled in your spouse’s direction, then you’re spending too much time trying to be right. You might feel like you’ve won every fight, but you’ll soon be divorced if you keep up this behaviour. Rather than contemplating what you can do to win or vent your anger, consider what your ideal outcome is, then think about how to get it.

For instance, if your wife tells you you’re not helping out enough around the house, consider your ideal outcome. Odds are good it’s an end to the conflict, and the fastest way to achieve that is to ask your wife what you can do differently. This may mean admitting you’re not always right, but it will also mean staying married.

Learn How to Listen Without Judgment

When was the last time you really listened to your spouse? If you’re anything like most couples we treat, you spend a lot of time responding to what you think your spouse has said, not what he or she actually said. Master the art of listening without judgment or defensiveness, though, and you’ll have fewer conflicts. You’ll also have more to talk about.

To hone this skill, ask your spouse to clarify when something sounds aggressive, or you don’t understand. And don’t fly off the handle if he or she initially attacks, since remaining calm can induce your spouse to tone down the rhetoric and retreat. For example, if your husband begins screaming that you’re irresponsible with money, ask him to clarify, then reflect to him his concerns to show that you understand them. In many marriage conflicts, simply acknowledging the conflict is enough to cause that conflict to dissipate.

Master Sincere Apologies

Everyone makes mistakes, even you. Many couples, especially those in high-conflict marriages, behave as though their partner’s failings mean they don’t have to apologise. The man whose wife cheated might feel no obligation to apologise for calling her names. But all hurtful behaviour warrants an apology, and if you’re unwilling to apologise, you may soon find yourself splitting up your family and possessions. To give a sincere apology:

• Acknowledge what you did wrong. Speak in the active voice. Not, “I’m sorry you were hurt,” but “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
• Tell your partner what you plan to do to avoid the behaviour in the future.
• If the behaviour was especially egregious, plan on several apologies, and don’t forget to reassure your spouse regularly.
• Don’t give backhanded apologies such as “I’m sorry you misunderstood me.” Apologise for your behaviour.

Do Something Loving Every Day

Everyone wants to feel special, but if you’re waiting for your partner to step up to the plate and become a master of romance, you’re doing it wrong. Model what you want by doing something loving for your spouse every day. It can be something small, like making her coffee or bringing him flowers, but the key is to repeat a kind action every day. People who do nice things for their partners have happier marriages, and report more positive feelings about their spouses.

Dig Deeper

In the early years of your courtship, things were more exciting because you were just getting to know your spouse. But your spouse hasn’t stopped growing and evolving, and neither have you. Asking lots of questions can help you get the conversation flowing, and may even help you get to know your spouse on a deeper level. Practice asking as many open-ended follow up questions as possible when your partner speaks. These questions enable you to steadily unearth parts of your partner you might never have otherwise known about.

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