What Grief Can Feel Like and When to Seek Support

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional, psychological and physical response to losing someone or something important. It is most often associated with the death of a loved one, but grief can also follow relationship breakdown, miscarriage, infertility, illness, job loss, estrangement, pet loss or the loss of a future you imagined.

Grief can affect your mood, body, sleep, appetite, concentration, relationships and sense of identity. Some people cry often. Others feel numb, angry, anxious or disconnected. There is no single “right” way to grieve.

What does grief feel like?

Grief can feel different from person to person, and it can also change from day to day.

Common grief responses include:

• sadness or emptiness
• shock, numbness or disbelief
• anger or irritability
• guilt, regret or “what if” thoughts
• anxiety about the future
• difficulty sleeping
• changes in appetite
• exhaustion
• difficulty concentrating
• withdrawing from others
• feeling disconnected from normal life
• waves of longing or yearning

Some people feel grief strongly straight away. Others feel practical and composed at first, then experience the emotional impact later. This does not mean they are avoiding grief or grieving incorrectly. It may simply be how their mind and body are coping.

What are the stages of grief?

The most commonly known stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

These stages can be useful because they describe emotions many people experience after loss. However, grief does not usually move through these stages in a neat order. You may feel acceptance one day and anger the next. You may feel numbness, sadness, guilt and moments of calm within the same week.

Rather than thinking of grief as a set of stages to complete, it may be more helpful to think of grief as waves. The intensity may rise and fall. Some waves may be triggered by anniversaries, songs, smells, places, family events or unexpected reminders.

Is grief the same for everyone?

No. Grief is highly personal.

How someone grieves can depend on many factors, including:

• the type of loss
• the relationship with the person or situation lost
• whether the loss was sudden, expected or traumatic
• cultural and spiritual beliefs
• family dynamics
• previous experiences of loss
• existing mental health concerns
• the level of support available
• whether there are unresolved issues, guilt or conflict

Two people can experience the same loss and respond very differently. One person may want to talk often. Another may need quiet. One may cry openly. Another may appear calm but feel overwhelmed internally.

Different grief responses do not mean one person cared more than the other.

How long does grief last?

There is no set timeline for grief.

For some people, the intensity of grief softens over months. For others, grief remains present for years, especially around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and major life milestones.

Healing does not mean forgetting the person or pretending the loss no longer matters. It often means the grief becomes less consuming over time. The loss may still be part of your life, but it does not take up the whole of your life every day.

A helpful question is not “Should I be over this by now?” but rather:

“Is my grief slowly changing over time?”
“Am I able to function in some parts of life?”
“Do I have moments of connection, meaning or relief alongside the pain?”

Why does grief come in waves?

Grief often comes in waves because the mind and body cannot process the full weight of loss all at once.

You may have moments where you feel relatively okay, followed by sudden sadness, anger or longing. This can be confusing, especially if you thought you were starting to cope better.

Waves of grief can be triggered by obvious reminders, such as anniversaries or photos. They can also be triggered by ordinary moments, such as hearing a song, seeing someone who looks like the person, visiting a familiar place or wanting to share news with them.

This does not mean you are going backwards. It usually means grief is still moving through you.

Can grief affect your body?

Yes. Grief can have physical effects as well as emotional ones.

People may experience:

• fatigue
• headaches
• tightness in the chest
• stomach discomfort
• changes in appetite
• disrupted sleep
• muscle tension
• restlessness
• lower immunity
• feeling heavy or physically slowed down

Because grief activates stress responses in the body, it can leave people feeling exhausted even when they have not been physically active.

What is complicated grief or prolonged grief?

Most grief is painful, but it gradually changes over time. In some cases, grief can remain very intense and disabling for an extended period.

This is sometimes referred to as prolonged grief or complicated grief.

Signs that extra support may be needed include:

• feeling unable to accept the loss
• intense longing that does not ease over time
• avoiding reminders to the point that life becomes restricted
• feeling that life has no meaning
• ongoing guilt, anger or blame
• difficulty returning to work, parenting, study or daily routines
• withdrawing from relationships for a long time
• feeling stuck in the moment of the loss
• relying heavily on alcohol, substances, overwork or avoidance to cope
• thoughts of not wanting to live

Seeking support does not mean your grief is abnormal. It means the pain has become too much to carry alone.

Can therapy help with grief and loss?

Yes. Therapy can help people understand, process and live with grief.

A psychologist will not try to rush you, minimise your loss or force you to “move on.” Instead, therapy provides a safe space to talk honestly about what has happened and how it is affecting you.

Grief therapy may help you:

• understand your emotional responses
• process guilt, anger, regret or unfinished conversations
• manage anxiety, overwhelm or sleep disruption
• make sense of sudden or traumatic loss
• rebuild routines after life has changed
• communicate your needs to family, friends or work
• explore meaningful ways to remember
• reconnect with identity, values and purpose
• learn how to carry grief without being consumed by it

Therapy does not remove the importance of the loss. It helps create space for life to continue around the loss.

When should I see a psychologist for grief?

You may benefit from grief counselling if grief is affecting your ability to function, connect or feel safe.

Consider seeking support if:

• grief feels unbearable
• you feel stuck or numb for a long time
• you are avoiding life because reminders feel too painful
• guilt or regret is consuming you
• your sleep, work, parenting or relationships are significantly affected
• the loss was sudden, traumatic or complicated
• previous losses are resurfacing
• you feel isolated or unable to speak honestly with people around you
• you are having thoughts of self-harm or not wanting to be here

You do not need to wait until things are at crisis point. Many people seek grief counselling simply because they need somewhere private, steady and non-judgemental to talk.

How can I support someone who is grieving?

Supporting someone who is grieving is less about finding perfect words and more about being consistent, kind and present.

Helpful things to say include:

• “I’m here with you.”
• “You don’t have to make sense of this today.”
• “I’m thinking of you.”
• “Would it help to talk, or would practical support be better today?”
• “I remember them too.”

Helpful things to do include:

• checking in after the first few weeks, when other support may reduce
• offering specific help, such as meals, errands or school pick-up
• remembering anniversaries and important dates
• allowing the person to repeat stories or feelings
• not rushing them to feel better
• not avoiding the person’s name if they want to talk about them

Try to avoid phrases such as “everything happens for a reason,” “at least they lived a long life,” or “you need to move on.” Even when well-intentioned, these comments can make people feel unseen.

What can I do when grief feels overwhelming?

When grief feels overwhelming, small steps can help you get through the next hour or day.

You might try:

• taking a slow walk outside
• eating something simple
• drinking water
• texting one trusted person
• writing down what you wish you could say
• resting without judging yourself
• creating a small ritual of remembrance
• reducing non-essential demands
• speaking with a psychologist or GP

The aim is not to “fix” grief in the moment. The aim is to support your nervous system while the wave passes.

Grief counselling in Melbourne

The Three Seas Psychology supports people experiencing grief, loss and major life transitions across Melbourne.

Our psychologists can help you understand your grief, process difficult emotions, and find ways to live alongside loss while still honouring what has mattered.

Appointments are available across Richmond, Fitzroy North and Wantirna South, as well as via telehealth.